Irma and Our Earth

September 14, 2017

I felt calm as word of Irma spread. A need for supplies for when the power went off my only real concern. As the storm shifted back West I didn't think much would happen in our town. But Sunday turned to Monday and the storm roared on. The power went out and a tornado touched down early on Sunday night, causing me to stay up and alert all night in case another one came for my babies. As I stayed awake I scrolled through Facebook and saw the images of flooding roll in.

Two hurricanes crippling our small community in under a year really makes you realize how fragile and fleeting everything is. The storm came from the opposite coast and was significantly weakened by the time it reached us - yet it still took peoples homes. One day a storm may actually hit our beach town and it scares me to think if we will make it.

Our world has such an obsession with stuff. The irony of everyone - myself included - rushing out to stock up on plastic and canned goods while the biggest ever hurricane roared in the Atlantic is not lost on me.

In early 2016 we significantly downsized and left our house in suburbia for a small apartment on the beach. We sold our car and bought bikes. We tried to be mindful of our waste in all we did. Yet somehow/somewhere along the we drove ourselves crazy. It all seemed so useless, futile and overwhelming as we started to pay closer attention to all the waste around us. The world around us. Defeated we slowly caved to the convenient - and it became the overriding theme in our lives above environmentalism.

A few weeks ago I found myself 'homeless' - as electrical hazards made it necessary that I left our apartment before having a new living situation lined up. That week could easily take up 2093457 posts on its own - but one of the many disheartening things was no one would rent a small space to my children, pets and I. Everyone seemed to think they knew our needs better than I knew them - and we were too big of a bunch for a small space. When I ran out of prospects I called about a spacious house. I was given the green light to view it (literally none of the other rentals would even let me see the homes after they asked 'who all would be living there'). In the end we got the house- because beggars can't be choosers and not having our own space to call home or knowing when/if we would ever find a place was emotionally exhausting.

I have felt such mixed emotions since we moved in. Relieved to have a house where I no longer have to deal with cranky anti-kid neighbors sharing my walls. Thankful for a space where I could keep my yipping dogs. Excited for the space and to feel "normal" - like I "fit in" again. Even though we left our initial house intentionally, I somewhere along the line added the label of broke/suffering to myself. I could no longer relate to my friends with their big houses and random Target trips and somehow felt like a victim in my small space. Losing those feelings/labels felt good. Having a space where my kids could have friends over was also exciting. I felt proud that I was able to get such a nice home - and for the first time in my adult life - have my living space in my name.

But I also feel really, really guilty. Guilty because of all the moms, dads, humans - who bust their asses every day and still struggle. I also feel scared my business will flop and I too will be left to struggle. I stand in my new house and feel confused "Why did I give everything away and leave this life just to come back to it?" I keep wondering what happened to that motivation and desire to do better that I felt so strongly just two years ago. It is a beautiful home, and while smaller than many, it feels too big. All of our belongings fit into half of it. The kids bedrooms are bare. The main living space so sparse it echos as if no one lives there.

It's easy enough to imagine getting furniture to fill this space - but we lived with this amount of stuff for years and were more than fine. The idea of getting more to fill our home stresses me out. We don't need more stuff just because we have more space. . . I feel as though mother nature is trying to show us the way back 'home'.

After the storm the kids came with me to walk the dogs. They were in love with all of the nature that was at their fingertips. Their neighborhood looked less polished and more forest with all the fallen branches and trees. It was magnificent in their eyes. So much wildlife was out as well. I felt like Mother Nature was shaking me "Look! Look at how beautiful I am!". Shaking all of us. The kids played all day and night in her gifts - building forts with fallen sticks and chasing worms (and I sat with them writing this post by hand).

I had a weird dream last night. I don't remember much but remember the saying of "she did it out of love". We move at such a fast pace. Sometimes it's just easier to get the disposable diapers, dammit! But then something like this comes along and rocks your world and forces you to look at the choices you've been making.

We trash our planet, daily. Disrespect it, degrade it, and run it dry of it's resources- yet it still stands - providing us with a surface to walk all over. The devastation is real from her wrath; lives lost, many more in shambles. I am confident that our community will come together and hold up those in need like we did after Matthew. I just pray that we can come together and be there for our earth in the same way.

I don't believe in coincidence. This big house fell into my life against all odds. I am happy to share my space with a family in need. I have two empty bedrooms side by side if you know of someone looking for a place to stay.

Thank you Irma, for sparing my loved ones and re-shifting my priorities.

Is it Really Over?

July 28, 2017

Walking through Walmart I show my two year old the toddler potty and ask if he wants to buy one and ditch the diapers. He is not interested. Three kids in and I know better than to fight him. We move on.

We move past the strollers and baby blankets and I am flooded with memories. Being a first time mom and wanting to buy all-the-things cute for the human growing inside of me. Trips for pacifiers that we could never find when we needed. Late night grocery runs with a tight budget. Headbows for my daughters before they were too strong willed to pick their own mis-matched attire. Cracked nipples and leaky breasts. Oh the excitement and pride I felt when they start to sit, stand, sloppily grab toys with great intention.

My kids are older now - our only lingering link to babyhood are the diapers my youngest isn't giving up on. We're trading car-seats for boosters, and baby-walkers for bicycles. That sweet, sweet newborn smell on the top of my children's heads has been replaced with the smell of dirty, sweaty play. We don't have to hide the leggos. The bulky bouncy baby gear that was a benchmark in my home for years is nowhere to be found, passed on to the next wave of drooling babes. There is no more holding on to baby goodies with the "we will get to use this again" sentiment.

We are moving into the next season of life.

My stomach is no longer a home for new life. It feels empty, squishy and out of place. It's magic gone to most, but it still lingers as I pull my pants beyond the skin folds that once housed tiny kicks, stretches and hiccups.

I walk to the kitchen and pass a stuffed Curious George on the floor. He is always there, my son carries him with him constantly. I can't imagine life without "Georgie", but yet one day he will be gone, a distant memory, just like the stuffed toys my daughters cherished years ago.

Babyhood cracks you wide open. Feed, snuggle, sleep, cry. Life is simple, but simple and easy are not one and the same. It's a massive transition and holy hell is not sleeping for years on end hard. But you do it. And then one day the babies are children and you're sleeping again. And the sweet babies are talking off your ears about boring ass pokemon, telling white lies, and rolling their eyes in the backseat.

How did I get here?

My children are entering the phase of life that I actually remember myself in. I remember being my oldest child's age. I remember my friends, my parents, my friends parents. I can still feel the child I was. How can I be that person and still this adult, parent self?

It's an exciting time. Piecing the old and the new together. The veil has lifted on the baby haze, and I see things differently, yet the same. So much beauty to come, so much of them discovering themselves. So much of me reconnecting with myself. Yet I still sit with a lump in my throat. Is it really over?

I stand firm that distance makes struggles seem easy. I will forget the active feeling of isolation that reaches your bones when you're home 24/7 with a baby who doesn't talk or engage. I've forgotten much already.

As they enter this phase I will try to not damage their psyche, but remember that all parents inevitably do. And I will squeeze and kiss and snuggle my youngest until the bitter end, for I know that it is near.

Why I Love Photoshop | Jacksonville + St. Aug Photographer

June 10, 2017 in Children, Photography

Photography and Photoshop go hand in hand. For the general public Photoshop elicits the feelings of frustration and false beauty standards. Photoshop get's such a bad wrap. I am a firm believer that we are perfect as we are, and I LOVE Photoshop. Being able to navigate editing software is a huge part of my business and a process I really enjoy. . . However - I do not use Photoshop to nip+tuck. I do not use Photoshop to enlarge features. I do not use Photoshop to airbrush clients to 'perfection'. None of these are my style. None of these fit into my moral compass. (I will, however, use Photoshop to remove a stray pimple that arrived the day of a shoot or a scraped knee or a hair that blew up with the wind etc). I've included before and after images I've created and explained how Photoshop helped me get the end result.

I also want to add that I take pride in hand editing all of my sessions. I do not use presets or actions (pre-made filters). I pour my heart into my images and find manually editing them a very important part of the art process (for me). Like painting, only on the compter ;)

Removing People / Objects

It's no secret that our little town is growing, growing! And sometimes that means the locations we're shooting at are packed. I try to dodge other people and shoot around them, but sometimes sweet moments happen and people just happen to be in the way. Insert Photoshop. Removing people, or other random objects like a bright beach bucket, from your images makes them far more powerful and less distracting. Sometimes the 'object' is a mosquito bite on your daughters cheek or a stain on a dress. Photoshop is great for all of these things.

Monochrome

It's no secret that I LOVE black and white images. I've been going through a color phase this past year but black and whites are my favorite. Creating a strong black and white image is not as simple as de-saturating an image or clicking the 'black and white' tab on an editing program. You have to understand lighting in creating a black and white image, as much if not more, than you do when creating a color image.

Lighting

This is the most common thing I am adjusting in photoshop. I shoot in RAW - which in short means I have to 'develop' my images manually. I have to sharpen them, adjust the color, the exposure, enhance them etc. RAW files also preserve substantially more detail than JPEG allowing me to restore more details. It's also why I never show the back of my camera at sessions. When I'm shooting the image on the left is what it on the back of my camera. But I've been doing this long enough that my eyes see the adjustments and image on the right before I've even edited it. Showing the image on the left feels like being caught outside naked "wait I'm not ready yet!".