This blog is a part of my project 365 series. Documenting life and sharing too much, every day, for 365 days.
I started getting panic attacks in high school.
Sometimes I won't have any for months. Some weeks I spend more nights curled up in the bathtub then I spend in my actual bed. Some days I can stop them in their tracks - some days they stop me in mine.
I never had postpartum anxiety with my oldest two kids. If anything my anxiety went into 'remission' while pregnant & when they were first born. So it took me by surprise this time around.
Since I've been having panic attacks for years I didn't really think much of PPD until I was in it - I just ignorantly assumed it was one in the same with regular anxiety. Holy fuck was I wrong. For me the panic attacks postpartum were much deeper - darker - scarier. There were many days I didn't make it out of bed. Several times I made my husband miss work because I was so paralyzed by fear that I didn't trust myself to exist - let alone to parent.
I tried medication. I tried therapy. I had my placenta encapsulated. I was miserable.
Thankfully my husband is well versed in my breed of crazy and I have an amazing neighbor who I was able to bear my soul to regularly. I cannot stress enough how important "letting it out" is. The more I tried to 'hide' it - the further I spiraled, so I stopped hiding it, and in typical Megan fashion, made everyone around me a little uncomfortable with my bluntness. Being able to talk through it with them helped a lot. In contrast to the usual "stay away from Dr. Google" - looking up postpartum anxiety and reading about common experiences & stories from other moms really helped. It wasn't "normal" but it was painfully common, and thankfully temporary.
Six months in and I feel back to my version of normal. I'm hesitant, perhaps superstitious, to say that I'm out of the woods - but I can say things have gotten much better.
It's always comical to me when people compliment me on how well I handle having three kids or life in general. Life is beautiful but don't be fooled for a moment that just because I (or anyone else) post sweet pictures and experience moments of great joy that I don't struggle with my own demons. We all do. C'est la vie.
